Shell of me

As I stood there washing the last pot of this evening, I felt drained. Granted it’s only Tuesday, but it’s been a long week. A long month too (and its only the 7th of June). I know that anyone who takes time to read this can relate.

Life goes by too fast and it WILL take pieces of you with it… it can be hard to create moments that will last.

Even for those with no family demands, no children demands, no job demands… life all on its own will drain you.

I’m usually a hopeful realist. Half Dreamer/half critic. I see things that need to be done and I do it. I plan most everything out, with sporadic instances of spontaneity and later followed by moments of cringing.

At least once a week I tell myself, “slow down, take a breather, write some of this shit down.” As life changes I find myself mentally shifting and I feel this should be documented somewhere… everyone’s life moments should be documented somewhere… one day I believe they will be reflected in another generation and that generation will need to be reminded of what life is really about.

So, back to washing that pot… I want to document this moment in a  youngish, single, stressed and exhausted mother’s life. Mine, that is. As I washed that huge pot, left from a huge dinner (I come from a huge family that I frequently help feed), all I could think about was how empty I felt…truly, like a shell of myself.

Waking up at 5 am for work, putting in a full day’s work, the two hour commute home (in Texas heat no less), making dinner, cleaning dinner and managing to still take the kids swimming, all before the sun set…  that was my day and every other day really. Almost every moment of all my days, requires this game where I have to convince myself to just keep going. Going, going, going, gone.

I push, plead, pull and scream…all at myself that is.  I watch others juggle things (seemingly) effortlessly. I make lists in my head of all the undone goals. I cram productivity into every waking moment and still find myself running to catch up. This is my life and it IS a beautiful real mess. Often I find myself begrudging that “shell-like feeling.” The empty, drained feeling…the one that makes me feel like a failure, like I have nothing to show for this part of my life…

Tonight I felt that emptiness and at the same time, something greater. That’s when I realized this shell of a person I’ve been dragging around is changing; a metamorphosis is occurring, on the inside of me. I may not feel any greater today, but in the future…I just might be flying.

I think we should all celebrate these “shell-like” moments, something great is happening behind the scenes.

 

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