The “Home” Space.

Over the past few years (that have truly dwindled down to months, weeks and days) “home” has become a day dream word. Something unattainable and not at all tangible. A word that I have almost grown resentful of at times.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve been blessed with a roof over our heads, beds to sleep in and tables to eat at. But that feeling of contentment, security and warmth has mostly evaded me. Okay, completely evaded me.

I’ve chalked it up to all the upheaval and many personal losses that have taken their toll on my life. I used to tell myself that maybe it was just time I grew up and gave up the fantasy.

As it would turn out, a recent move across the state became very necessary. Suddenly, the word “home” took on a completely new meaning. The endless packing and discarding and discovering. It was emotionally exhausting as well as physically exhausting and all in pursuit of something that we could call “home.” Major resentment all over again…

By nothing short of grace, it suddenly clicked though. In the midst of putting together beds and cleaning off shelves, I found my home and it wasn’t in a building. It was (and always has been) in my heart. Ridiculous as that sounds, that’s where “home” really  waits for us all. It will always be there… sometimes we are just to numb and broken to feel it.

I want to record this moment and my discovery, in case I forget it while going down one of life’s many arduous paths again…

Note to self: “home” is something we all carry inside of us. We help it evolve for the sake of those we love. When our hearts are whole this “place” becomes  beautiful, wild and full of possibilities. When we are broken, it can become dark, scary and a lonely space.

 

 

 

 

Shell of me

As I stood there washing the last pot of this evening, I felt drained. Granted it’s only Tuesday, but it’s been a long week. A long month too (and its only the 7th of June). I know that anyone who takes time to read this can relate.

Life goes by too fast and it WILL take pieces of you with it… it can be hard to create moments that will last.

Even for those with no family demands, no children demands, no job demands… life all on its own will drain you.

I’m usually a hopeful realist. Half Dreamer/half critic. I see things that need to be done and I do it. I plan most everything out, with sporadic instances of spontaneity and later followed by moments of cringing.

At least once a week I tell myself, “slow down, take a breather, write some of this shit down.” As life changes I find myself mentally shifting and I feel this should be documented somewhere… everyone’s life moments should be documented somewhere… one day I believe they will be reflected in another generation and that generation will need to be reminded of what life is really about.

So, back to washing that pot… I want to document this moment in a  youngish, single, stressed and exhausted mother’s life. Mine, that is. As I washed that huge pot, left from a huge dinner (I come from a huge family that I frequently help feed), all I could think about was how empty I felt…truly, like a shell of myself.

Waking up at 5 am for work, putting in a full day’s work, the two hour commute home (in Texas heat no less), making dinner, cleaning dinner and managing to still take the kids swimming, all before the sun set…  that was my day and every other day really. Almost every moment of all my days, requires this game where I have to convince myself to just keep going. Going, going, going, gone.

I push, plead, pull and scream…all at myself that is.  I watch others juggle things (seemingly) effortlessly. I make lists in my head of all the undone goals. I cram productivity into every waking moment and still find myself running to catch up. This is my life and it IS a beautiful real mess. Often I find myself begrudging that “shell-like feeling.” The empty, drained feeling…the one that makes me feel like a failure, like I have nothing to show for this part of my life…

Tonight I felt that emptiness and at the same time, something greater. That’s when I realized this shell of a person I’ve been dragging around is changing; a metamorphosis is occurring, on the inside of me. I may not feel any greater today, but in the future…I just might be flying.

I think we should all celebrate these “shell-like” moments, something great is happening behind the scenes.

 

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Organic Change

change

No, this is not a post about the beauty of organic foods or lifestyle (though I’m partial to both).

This post is about the beauty of organic change.

While I’ve been accused of making many different mistakes in my life, I can honestly say that living organically has always been a pursuit of mine. That is, living genuinely.

It hasn’t always been beautiful, it’s often been messy… but it has been real, organic.

Yesterday I said good-bye to something that had me living not so organically…

Which is what sparked this discussion and prompted a new train of thought.

There are so many things that create conflict in us, that make us question our purpose or compromise the things we love and believe in. There is no way around the messiness of life, you walk through it and pray to God you make it intact on the other side.

Then again, you do have a choice in how to handle the mess, in how to walk through it and in how you will look on the other side.

Yesterday, I found myself at the threshold of  “the beginning of a beginning” (as they say).

It was rather frustrating, even depressing at first. I soon found myself in a deep discussion with my best friend and was on a roll with my “disappointment in life speech.” I then realized that my disappointment was not in myself or my life, but in the new change.  I randomly spouted off, “this is not organic change!”

Organic change? …

We both paused to think about that for a minute.

What is organic change? I have always thought that organic change was the result of a natural occurrence in life… you know, the progression of High School to College to Marriage to Parenting… or any other life sequence of events.

Well, I am starting to realize that change whether organic or self-prompted, is in fact a part of organic living.

Whether we cause a change to happen, or are directly influenced by a change that we have no control over… we are presented with an opportunity to live genuinely and embrace the next grand adventure.

I know there are many people out there struggling with the gross injustices of change and often ones they have no control over. I know change can be painful, even devastating… However, it also presents the opportunity for a new beginning, a new reflection, a new path and one that might be a hundred times better than the one we were on. I have not always viewed change this way and the next change may not be so grand or easy.

For the moment though; this is something I know must be embraced.

Although this is a random ending, I want to share with you my inspiration from this change… I am choosing to embrace this new uncertainty with expectation and vision. While it may not be easy, I have great hope that it will be worth it.

What makes me happy:

Being creative

Giving and taking care of others

Enjoying beauty

Having adventures

We will see…

Intro to a beautiful mess.

It’s been on my mind (for quite some time) to keep track of all of life’s beautiful messes… we all have a story to tell. My story starts with a great big view… a beautiful mess. Life can best be sum up in the details of everyday living. My life is messy, imperfect… some view it as a disastrous mess, an epic fail. I see it as an honest attempt to live, love and grow. No matter your story or background; we are all a beautiful mess. A masterpiece in the making. Writing is my paintbrush and I’m excited to finally “paint some strokes.” untitled